


a multitude of kisses

by enbydarknessdementiaravenway



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, MWPP, Marauders era, Oneshot, Smut, So much kissing, and then the war happens and everyone is angsty (and also horny?), first wizarding war, god im so painfully single and it really shows, honestly i wrote this for myself but uhhhh if you wanna read it then go ahead lol, i mean it's a fic about kisses so what did we even expect, it's so much fluff and so cute at first, sorry to be horny on main, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 01:33:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18713821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enbydarknessdementiaravenway/pseuds/enbydarknessdementiaravenway
Summary: Five times Sirius kissed Remus, and one time he didn't.Snapshots of Sirius and Remus's relationship, from Hogwarts fifth year to the end of the First Wizarding War





	a multitude of kisses

**Author's Note:**

> Some content warnings:
> 
> Non-graphic mentions of euthanization and death. If you want to skip those parts, stop (1) in section IV after Sirius calls Snape a git and resume after three paragraphs at “Sirius felt a chill pass over his body” and (2) in section V, stop after Remus asks Sirius what happened and skip two paragraphs to “After what could have been either five minutes or five hours…”. 
> 
> Graphic sexytimes. Pretty much all of section II is explicit so feel free to skip that whole part (but the last two paragraphs are cute and not as smutty if you wanna peep). Section V after the first two paragraphs also gets pretty smutty, but is less explicit (prob still nsfw tho).
> 
> Some ableist name-calling (idiot, stupid, dumb), mostly taking place during the argument in section four. I tried to research/think of other words to replace them with but I haven’t found anything yet that flowed well, so I would also love suggestions on non-ableist terms!

 

_I. December 6, 1975_

 

Students bundled in coats and scarves spilled through the castle entrance doors and onto the snow-covered path to Hogsmeade, eager to fit in one last visit before the holidays. Among them was a very stubborn Sirius pestering a very exasperated Remus who was walking beside a very annoyed James and Peter. As they trudged through the snow toward the village, Sirius continued to incessantly bother his friend.

“I don’t know why you just won’t tell me.”

“I already told you, I don’t really want anything for Christmas.”

“Come on, there has to be _something_ you really want!”

“What I _want_ is for you to stop bothering me and stop trying to spend money on me.” Remus quickened his pace and walked several steps ahead of Sirius.

Sirius quicked up his pace to catch up and whined, “You know I don’t care about money, I just want to get you something nice.”

Remus glanced down at Sirius, and said in a flat voice, “Well not everyone is loaded like you are, Sirius. Some people can’t even afford to get their friends Christmas gifts."

Sirius paused and knew he had accidentally hit a sensitive subject for Remus, and an awkward silence filled the air. The only sounds were their feet shuffling along the cobblestone and Peter shaking snowflakes out of his hair.

Hoping to escape the tension, James clapped Peter on the shoulder. “Well I’m feeling kind of hungry, fancy a quick bite?” Peter, never one to turn down food, eagerly gave an affirmative and the two began to make their way toward The Three Broomsticks. Remus softly shook his head and his brown curls fell over his eyes.

“I’m going to skip out on this one, there are some books at Antigone’s I want to look at.” He started walking in the opposite direction, shoulders hunched. Sirius still felt guilty from his obtuse remark and did not want Remus to feel alienated from the other three, so he made a quick decision and bid a goodbye to James and Peter, then trotted up to walk in line with Remus. The air was quiet but they both felt the tension. Sirius dared a quick glance up at the taller boy and noticed there were snowflakes on his eyelashes. Sirius’s inability to stay quiet finally broke him.

“I’m sorry about what I said, but I really do just want to get you something nice. You deserve it.”

Remus didn’t respond as they stepped over the threshold of the bookshop and made their way through the aisles of shelves. His eyes scanned the titles on the spines and Sirius spoke up again, but with a little more excitement.

“What about a book? Come on, I know you love books. There’s got to be some book you’ve been wanting to get!”

Remus sighed, “Why are you so hell-bent on this, Sirius?” He pulled a book off the shelf. “It really isn’t that big of a deal. Besides, you aren’t bothering James and Peter about getting them a special gift. Why do you care about mine so much?” His eyes cast downward, the deep amber hidden by his honey lashes, and began to absentmindedly scan the pages of the book in his hands. A soft sigh escaped his lips when he shifted his body to gently lean against the bookshelf.

Sirius paused for the second time that day -- a remarkable feat since Sirius could not remember the last time he wasn’t endlessly talking. Remus was right. He wasn’t bothering the other boys like this. Why did he care about Remus’s gift so much? Now that he thought about it, since when did he start caring about Remus especially so, without putting the same fervor into his other friends? Sirius had always been protective of his Moony, tending to him after his monthly transformations and fending off anyone who dared to question the boy’s frequent bouts of illnesses. He wasn’t nearly as protective of his other friends. But that was because James was _the James Potter_ and he didn’t need protection, and Peter was always a good sport about all the teasing anyway. But this was Remus Lupin, the boy who wrote notes in the margins of his books and wore ratty jumpers and drank tea at all hours of the day. Remus, who cried when confronted about his biggest secret after nearly a year at Hogwarts, and cried three years later when he found out his friends’ secret of illegally becoming Animagi to help with the pain of his transformations.

Breaking out of his thoughts, Sirius focused his eyes on Remus, who was still reading the book. Since when was Remus able to put Sirius at a loss for words? The sun softly glowed through the frosty windows and Sirius noticed the way the light highlighted the golden undertones and grey strands of Remus’s hair. Wait, grey hairs? When did that happen? The thought made Sirius’s heart ache. But there was something else there, too, deep in his chest. Something that wasn’t quite sadness. Something that may have been there before this conversation, maybe even before that day. He watched the boy across from him, watched his eyes as they scanned the pages, his chest rising and falling with each breath, his lips that were slightly parted in thought, the fingers that thumbed the pages. Sirius realized that the feeling in his heart was. It was an all-consuming care for his friend, an infatuation with his every movement, a desire to protect him from anything or anyone that could hurt him. He wasn’t sure when this feeling had started, but he knew one thing: the feeling had suddenly hit him like a hippogriff. Sirius cared for Remus more than just as a friend -- he cared for Remus as someone who also fancied the pants off of him. Well, maybe not the _pants off_ part yet because he had only figured out for about thirty seconds that he swung his beater’s bat both ways. He inhaled deeply though his nose and opened his mouth to speak, suddenly feeling nervous as Remus looked up to met his own eyes, eyebrows quirked expectantly.

“I….uh…..”

“What?” Remus asked, with a twinge of annoyance in a voice. Oh shit. Was Remus still upset at him? Oh shit. Remus had absolutely no idea what had just happened in his head.

Sirius fumbled with his words. “Uh….I think…..I…..”

“Merlin, just say it.” It was definitely more than a twinge of annoyance now.

Why was this so hard? Why was he suddenly so shaky? He was a Gryffindor, dammit! Sirius mustered his courage and blurted in one breath, “Ilikeyouokay?”

“Uh….okay?” Remus was unimpressed. “I like you too, and we like Peter and James and the four of us all like each other, so what’s the big deal?" 

This was going to be harder than he thought. Sirius took another breath and tried to explain.

“Moony….Rem....I like you as more than a friend. I think I fancy you.”

Remus’s eyebrows shot up and Sirius thought he saw his pupils widen, and were his irises shining? Maybe it was a trick of the light. But as quickly as Remus expressed his shock, he masked it with the neutral expression he always wore when he got defensive.

“Ha ha, very funny Sirius. That’s _totally_ the reason, and not because you’re just being a prat.” He hastily looked down at his book and pretended to be very interested in the text.

Sirius felt his heart beat faster. He struggled to find the right words to say, so he rambled instead, awkwardly chuckling between breaths.

“Merlin okay yeah sorry I know this is out of nowhere and honestly I think I just realized it myself but when I think about it I think I’ve felt this way for a while I mean who wouldn’t? You’re great Moony ha ha anyways but yeah sorry I don’t even know if you swing that way ha ha oh Merlin I’m really fucking things up right now aren’t I?” 

Remus stared blankly at Sirius after his rant, mouth partly open. “Oh. I see.”

What kind of a reaction was that? Was Remus going to hate him? Sirius was _really_ nervous now. He shakily laughed and tried to play it cool. “Sorry if this makes things weird. You don’t have to reciprocate or anything. I don’t want things to be weird between us, I swear. I just wanted to tell you in the moment, I guess.”

Remus’s eyes softened but he continued to silently stare. Sirius was _really REALLY_ nervous now. “Moony, please say something.”

Remus seemed to snap out of a trance and his tongue darted out to lick his lips before they opened to speak. Barely a whisper, Remus finally spoke.

“I…..”

Sirius held his breath. Was Remus leaning toward him? His heart was beating so hard and it was probably interfering with his thinking.

Remus licked his lips again and took a breath. His hand reached forward and ever so lightly grazed Sirius’s jaw. Remus leaned forward, hovering a few inches away from Sirius, and before Sirius could process what was happening Remus had closed the gap between them and pressed his lips into Sirius’s. Shocked, Sirius froze at first but once he realized what the action meant, he leaned into the kiss. Remus’s lips were chapped from the cold air but his breath was warm, and Sirius hesitantly moved his mouth against the other boy’s. Remus inhaled sharply, but he responded and reciprocated. That was all Sirius needed to continue. The kiss was soft and a little clumsy and full of hesitation but Sirius couldn’t muster up a single thought in the moment even if his life depended on it.

All too soon, Remus had pulled back and was no longer kissing him. But as he looked at Sirius through his eyelashes, a sheepish smile on his face and a slight blush creeping up his neck, Sirius’s brain finally conjured up a thought.

_Remus just gave him the best goddamn gift in the world and he will never be able to top this._

 

 

* * *

 

 

_II. March 21, 1976_

 

It was one of those rare afternoons when the dormitory was empty. James was off at Quidditch practice and Peter was trying to impress some Ravenclaw girl by studying with her. And Sirius was here, in bed, with Remus Lupin fucking the brains out of him.

It wasn’t always this good. In fact, it was horrible the first time (if it even counted as sex). It was actually more like a solid hour of fumbling, apologizing, and a _lot_ of lube. When Remus finally managed to enter Sirius, it ended up hurting so badly that they had to stop after less than five minutes, and Sirius still had trouble sitting in class the next day. It took them a couple more tries before they managed what could be considered a success, but practice makes perfect and this,  right here and right now, felt fucking perfect.

Remus leaned down and pushed his slick body against Sirius. He pressed his face into his neck, a growl in the back of his throat as he sucked until he almost drew blood, and Sirius responded by throwing his head back in submission and arching his back to feel as much of Remus as possible. Remus grabbed his wrists and threw his arms up, tightly pinning them above his head against the mattress. Sirius struggled to escape, desperate to run his hands all over Remus’s body, but Remus held on tight as he increased the speed of his thrusts and a deep moan escaped from his lips. Hearing Remus’s pleasure only made Sirius want him more. He loved seeing Remus like this: unguarded, reckless, defenses down, nothing but passion and lust. Sex with Sirius was the only time Remus allowed himself to be dominant and to let go of the tight control that he always held over himself.

After enough struggling, Remus finally released Sirius’s wrists only to grab him by the hips and pull his body closer. Remus adjusted the angle and _fuck_ Sirius could feel Remus’s length pushing against his prostate and _fuck_ all of his thoughts completely disappeared and his brain stopped functioning and _fuck_ he couldn’t restrain his panting and moaning to the rhythm and _fuck_ Remus was moaning too, was it possible for someone to sound so sexy and _fuck_ he could feel his pleasure reaching a peak and he knew he was close and _fuck_ Remus reached down to touch Sirius’s cock and it was almost too much and _fuck_ Sirius knew he couldn’t hold on for much longer and _fuck_ Remus’s mouth was all over him, kissing and sucking and biting and _fuck_ Remus tightened his grip and twisted down exactly the way he knew Sirius liked it, thumb rubbing over the head and _FUCK._

Sirius cried out loud as he spilled all over his stomach, tightening around Remus’s cock. Waves of pleasure crested over his body, over and over again, and he was half convinced he had actually died. As he began to regain feeling in his toes, Remus also released a cry of climax, filling Sirius with his own pleasure. Remus remained hovering over Sirius, his curls drenched with sweat and sticking to his forehead, shaking and panting. Sirius let his eyes close and he felt Remus collapse on top of him and then quickly roll to the side to lay his head on his chest. He muttered a quick vanishing spell and slowly opened his eyes to look down at his lover. Remus’s eyelids were heavy, exhaustion taking over him, and his chest rose and fell as he tried to catch his breath. They were naked and sticky and probably needed a shower but Sirius took a moment to stare at the way Remus seemed to glow. His hair was plastered to his skin, his whole body was flushed, there were still drops of sweat on his temple, and his mouth was parted, barely moving with each inhale and exhale. It was the most beautiful thing Sirius had ever seen.

Remus sleepily opened his eyes and looked up at Sirius with a satisfied grin, and he raised his face to meet Sirius’s lips. It was a slow, lazy kiss, their still-sweaty limbs tangled together, Sirius tracing shapes on Remus’s bare chest. A hum of contentment came from the back of Sirius’s throat as they continued to kiss in bursts, breaking apart only to rest their foreheads against each other. The kisses softened to short and tender pecks and they loosely twined their fingers together. Exhaustion soon overcame them and they fell back on the mattress, too tired to move, and began to doze off. Right before Sirius lost consciousness, he faintly noticed that Remus had raised their joined hands and he felt Remus’s soft lips on his fingers as he slipped into sleep.

They had lost track of time until they were awakened by James’s heavy footsteps stomping up the dormitory stairs after a gruelling Quidditch practice. They sprang up, hastily fumbling to draw the drapes around the bed just in time before James opened the door and almost caught them, once again, naked together.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_III. November 16, 1976_

 

The common room was usually empty once the clock started ticking past midnight, but tonight it had Remus and Sirius lounging on their favorite couch by the fireplace. Everyone else had retired to bed but they were still awake and studying -- well, Remus was studying like the perfect student he was and Sirius was pretending to study as an excuse to be with Remus, spending more time sneaking glances at the other boy than reading the textbook in his lap.

The fire crackled and Sirius looked over at Remus for probably the hundredth time that night. He let himself stare for a little longer. Remus, completely oblivious, was scribbling on some parchment (probably writing an essay that wasn’t due for another week). Sirius took a moment to admire the way the warm light of the fire cast shadows across his face, the eyelids that were heavy from the exhaustion of the full moon a few days ago, the soft angle of his jaw, the tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth when he was focused. He thought to himself, _What did I ever do to deserve this?_

The past few months as Remus’s boyfriend had been a dream. No, it was better than a dream because even Sirius couldn’t have come up with something as good as this. Some mornings, he would wake up and stare at the still-sleeping boy in his arms, with his mussed hair and morning breath, and the same giddy feeling from their first kiss would fill his stomach. And sometimes he would look over at his boyfriend during class and see the way Remus chewed on the end of his quill when he was concentrating or pulled at his hair when he couldn’t quite master a charm and Sirius would feel a million times lighter. And every time he saw the glint in Remus’s eye and heard his carefree laughter when they were executing a particularly complicated prank, he remembered that while mischief and mayhem were fun, the real reason Sirius loved pulling pranks was because it brought out a side of Moony that only the Marauders had the privilege to witness.

Sirius never know he was capable of feeling so deeply for another person. He had felt loads of other intense emotions in his life -- he always did have a flair for the dramatic, after all. But this was different. It was something he didn’t know before he met Remus. It was nothing like when he had dated other people in the past -- sure, the girls were rather attractive, and groping in broom closets felt great, and Sirius really did fancy them, but he never loved any of them. It was never like _this_. This made his body feel like it was on fire, like his purpose in life was to protect his Moony and make him happy. And he was pretty sure he was willing to do almost anything just to get a smile on Moony’s face. He had never felt like this before. Sirius felt content. Safe, happy, calm, and content. Absolute, never-ending love for the boy sitting beside him.

He broke the silence with a soft whisper. “Hey, Rem?”

Remus finished his sentence and then looked up. “Yeah? What’s up?”

Before Sirius knew it, the words had left his mouth for the first time ever.

“I think I love you.”

Remus’s eyes melted into pools of gold and an expression of pure adoration swept across his face. After a beat, he put his hand against Sirius’s cheek. “Oh, Pads.” It was barely above a whisper, but it didn’t matter to Sirius because Remus was pulling him into a kiss that felt deeper and more tender than any other kiss they had shared before. Their lips fit together like adjacent puzzle pieces and they were perfectly synchronized. It was music pouring into his mouth. He tried to return the emotion, to express the love he felt but could barely articulate with words. He could feel Remus’s breath on his cheek and he inhaled deeply, maintaining a steady rhythm as he slipped his tongue past his own mouth and into Remus’s. Remus pulled on his lower lip and he involuntarily let out an embarrassing whine, but then Remus was pulling away and ending the kiss far too soon for Sirius’s liking.

Their foreheads were touching as the boy stared into Sirius’s eyes, golden amber meeting stormy grey, and blinked once. He quietly murmured against Sirius’s lips, “I think I love you too”.

Sirius beamed, but before he could help himself, he quipped, “I think I love you almost as much as you love books.” Remus leaned back with an expression of annoyance, but still let out a laugh as he pulled Sirius into another kiss. _I will love this boy_ , Sirius thought to himself, _until the day I die._

 

 

* * *

 

 

_IV. May 4, 1977_

 

Sirius was pacing in front of the heavy doors to the hospital wing, his stomach in knots and a nervous sweat breaking out. He didn’t know what to say. What could he even say? He had committed the most heinous crime of all - betrayal - and it was against his best friend and the love of his life. If he was being honest, he really didn’t feel like he was ready for this confrontation and wanted to hide under his blankets for the rest of eternity, but James and Peter had spent the whole morning guilt tripping Sirius and pushing him to go apologize. “Sooner is better than later, and you owe this to him,” they had said. But right now, Sirius was really wishing that he had picked the later option.

Sirius finally stopped in front of the door and slowly put his hand on the handle. He took a deep breath, gathered all the Gryffindor courage he supposedly had, and pushed it open.

He immediately saw Remus and hesitantly stepped in. Remus glanced up when he heard the door open and Sirius was met with stony eyes before Remus pointedly looked away and glared at some spot off the foot of his bed. Sirius took another breath and walked over to the occupied cot, inching forward and gently taking a seat as if it would collapse under the weight of his guilt. Sirius still didn’t know what to say so he sat in silence and waited for Remus to make the first move.

After a minute of empty air, Remus spoke, his voice cold and harsh. “I think you owe me a fucking explanation.”

Sirius had never heard Remus speak in a tone like this before. This was beyond Remus’s neutral deadpan when he was lying to a professor after a prank gone awry. This was a voice that carried so much hurt and anger yet was still trying to put up walls. The walls that Sirius had worked so hard to break down over the years. It spoke again, “You better start fucking talking.”

Immediately jumping on the defensive, Sirius started thinking of reasons for why he just couldn’t keep his mouth shut the night before. “I’m so sorry, Rem, I really am. Snivellus was just being so obnoxious and he would not shut up about how he knew about our secret or whatever, and I just blurted it out. I don’t know, I just thought it’d be funny if he got beat up by the Whomping Willow. I wasn’t thinking straight. I didn’t think the stupid git would be dumb enough to actually try it and get through.”

Remus’s face showed no sympathy. “You’re a fucking idiot and an arsehole. Do you know what would have happened if James hadn’t stopped him? I would have killed him. Merlin, Sirius, _fucking killed him_! I would have been a fucking murderer! And for what? Because you decided that it would be a funny prank? Because you think it’s funny to bully Snape? You’re a fucking idiot, Sirius.”

Sirius tried to backtrack. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think anything too serious would actually happen. And even if it did, Dumbledore would have been able to fix it.”

“Merlin, you are so _stupid_ sometimes” Remus shot back, his voice getting louder as he spoke, “Do you have anything other than two brain cells and a massive ego in that inflated head of yours? You’re a right arsehole, Sirius. A privileged arsehole. You’re a pureblood wizard from one of the richest families in the world and you don’t know _anything_ about consequences. You’ve never actually had to worry about your life or your future or whether you’ll get locked away for just existing, or whether you’ll even be able to find a job and survive after we leave Hogwarts. It’s not like that for other people! Do you know what happens to people like me? What happens when we fuck up? What would have happened if Snape had gotten to me? We don’t get a fancy lawyer like people like you. We don’t even get a trial. We just get _put down_ , Sirius, like animals! Because that’s how the world sees us. Just worthless, evil, half-breed dark creatures that deserve to die. Dumbledore wouldn’t have been able to fix this, Sirius, because people like _me_ don’t get second chances.”

Sirius felt a chill pass over his body as if someone had dumped ice water on him. “Merlin, Remus, I really wasn’t thinking. I swear I didn’t mean it -”

“I don’t fucking care if you didn't mean it!” Remus cut him off and was yelling now. “It doesn’t change the fact you almost got me _killed_! You hurt me and betrayed me because you couldn’t control your temper and can’t keep your fucking mouth shut and never think about the bloody consequences!” He finished his rant, breathing heavily and nearly shaking with anger. Sirius had no response.

“I don’t think this is going to work out. Us, I mean.” Remus’s voice wavered. “I’ve forgiven you for so much shit over the years. You’re like a hurricane and you treat everyone else like collateral damage. Every time you acted without thinking and got us in trouble, every time I got detention because of one of your pranks. But this...this is different. This isn’t fucking detention, Pads. This is real. I can’t do this anymore. You really hurt me.”

A silence settled over them as Remus’s words slowly sank into Sirius. And then they hit him all at once in the chest. Remus was breaking up with him. Sirius saw a supercut of their relationship flash before his eyes. His mind reeled through snapshots of memories: the first time they met after the Sorting Hat, comforting Remus after full moons, finding Remus in the library for a quick kiss, Remus’s face the first time he saw the Marauders transform as Animagi, Remus reading by the fire, running through the forest with Moony….they kept flooding through Sirius’s brain. This was what he was about to lose. No more memories, no more stolen kisses and quiet laughs, lazy mornings and late nights. He was going to lose all of it. He was going to lose his Moony. Overcome with a wave of sadness, tears started to form in his eyes.

Remus was indignant. “Don’t you dare start crying,” he hissed, “This isn’t about you! Don’t try to center it on you when it’s _me_ you hurt.” Sirius tried to blink back his tears, his vision still blurry and his breath caught in his throat, which made it difficult for him to swallow his pride.

He tried to speak but it came out as more of a garbled, incoherent grunt. Remus was losing patience. “What did you just say?”

Sirius cleared his throat this time, and now he spoke in a clear voice. “I said, you’re right.” Remus was somewhat surprised and his glare softened upon hearing this admission. Sirius rarely admitted to any of his mistakes and he definitely never backed down from an argument. It was a sure sign that Sirius was truly desperate for atonement, and now Remus was the one at a loss for words. “Oh,” was all he could muster before closing his hanging jaw. Sirius took this as permission to continue speaking.

“You’re right,” he said for the second time, “I really hurt you. I really am an idiot and I didn’t think about how my stupid mistakes would have hurt you. I honestly wasn’t even thinking about you at all, I was only thinking about how I could get Sniv-Snape beat up because I thought it’d be satisfying. Sometimes I can be selfish and a little wrapped up in myself.”

“A little?” Remus narrowed his eyes but the venom wasn’t there anymore.

Sirius took another deep breath and anxiously tugged a hand through his hair before continuing, “Okay, maybe a lot. And I really am sorry I hurt you. I swear I’ll try to make it right, and you don’t have to forgive me right away, but I do hope that one day you will. But please,” Sirius was pleading now, “Please give me, us, another chance. I don’t deserve it but please don’t give up on us. Not like this.” He couldn’t hold back a few tears that escaped, and the quaffle was in Remus’s pitch now.

Remus stared at Sirius for what felt like an hour. Finally, he sighed, and quietly murmured, “I’ll always forgive you in the end. How could I not?” Sirius let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, and started to pour his gratitude on Remus but the other boy cut him off before he could start talking and simply said, “Come here.”

Sirius hesitantly and slowly scooted the chair closer to Remus’s bedside, looking at the boy for a cue to keep a certain distance. But he saw none so he shifted until his knees were touching the crisp white blanket over Remus’s legs. Remus lifted himself off the pillow propped behind his back and stiffly leaned over to place a curt, chaste kiss on Sirius’s mouth. It was not heated nor passionate -- Remus’s hands never even moved from their position in his lap. The boys did not touch anywhere other than their joined lips, and even that light contact felt strained from the weight of the pain Sirius had caused. This was not a kiss of love or forgiveness. It was a kiss that said, _I’ll give you a second chance but you’re going to have to prove yourself._ They could still taste the salt of Sirius’s tears.

Remus sharply pulled back as quickly as he had leaned forward. With an edge still in his voice, he told Sirius, “You’re still an arsehole though and I haven’t forgiven you yet. You need to show me that you deserve to be forgiven.”

Sirius vowed to someday regain his Moony’s trust, even if it took until the end of his life.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_V. January 8, 1980_

 

Sirius burst through the door of the flat he and Remus shared and stumbled in, dirt and ash smeared over his face and clothes clinging to the sweat on his body. Remus jerked up from his spot against the kitchen counter and let out a yelp before he rushed over to Sirius, paying no attention to the mug of tea he knocked to the ground as he ran past. Sirius almost immediately collapsed into his arms, his entire body shaking. When Sirius lifted his head, Remus saw the tears streaked through the stains on his face. He threaded a hand through Sirius’s long, tangled hair and held the back of his head, checking his boyfriend’s body for injuries. “Sirius, are you okay? Are you hurt? What happened?”

Sirius opened his mouth but nothing came out. He was barely even breathing. Every time he tried to speak, he felt like he was going to empty his stomach all over the carpet. He couldn’t even move his body that was so violently shaking. Nothing was in his control anymore. All he could think of was, _I failed and now they’re gone. I failed and now they’re gone. I failed and now they’re gone._

He noticed through his haze that Remus had guided him to the sofa and he was sitting down now. He could feel fingers running through his hair and hear soothing words murmured against his temple, but everything was dulled through his numb skin. His mind kept replaying the events of the night -- the flashes of light, the explosions, the ceiling as it collapsed on them, the way his comrades’ lifeless bodies fell to the floor, the nauseating terror of running from the Death Eaters and apparating through seven locations to make sure he wasn’t followed.

After what could have been either five minutes or five hours, he stopped shaking enough to croak out an explanation that they both knew but did not want to admit. “They’re gone. Dearborn and Meadowes.” He felt Remus tense and the hand in his hair froze. “The raid….something went wrong. They knew we were coming. They were ready for us. We didn’t even have time to figure out what to do. I couldn’t save them.”

Remus muttered into his hair, “Oh Sirius, you can’t blame yourself. It’s not your responsibility to save everyone.”

Sirius looked up to meet Remus’s gaze. “But they still died. I almost died. I thought I would never see you again.” Remus stared back into his eyes and Sirius noticed how he had even more grey hairs than Sirius remembered. The war had taken its toll on everyone in different ways. As Remus’s hair grew greyer, Peter became more anxious and reclusive, Sirius started chain smoking cigarettes, and James married Lily out of fear that there would be no time to wait until the war ended. When did they stop being carefree Marauders running through the halls of Hogwarts, and when did they become hardened soldiers fighting a losing war? The past few years escalated, tensions rose, battles became more gruesome, more people died, and now they were losing classmates and close friends. Moments of silence during Order meetings became a regular occurrence, lasting longer and longer with each passing week. Fear didn’t felt like a sharp pain anymore, but had faded into a constant in their lives. Any one of them could be next.

Each day with Remus could be the last.

“I can’t lose you, Rem. Not ever.”

War does not wait. It does not spare people, no matter how much you love them. War is ruthless.

Sirius grabbed Remus’s face with both of his hands and pulled him into a hard kiss. It wasn’t romantic or deliberate, it was clashing teeth and hands grasping hair and heaving pants and lips everywhere, as if they were afraid the other would suddenly disappear from their embrace. It was desperation fueled by terror.

Sirius had difficulty breathing but he couldn’t break away from Remus, not after he was so close to losing him forever. One hand gripped the front of Remus’s soft cotton shirt and the other was pressed flat on his stomach, pushing his shirt out of the way so Sirius could run his hands over Remus’s bare chest. He needed to feel skin on skin. Physical confirmation that his Moony was still there.

He yanked Remus’s shirt over his head and discarded it on the floor, and he ran his mouth all over Remus, biting his shoulder, nipping his neck, kissing his chest. Remus reached down to bring Sirius back up to him and their mouths collided. Sirius threw a leg over Remus and rocked his hips forward and Remus moaned into his mouth, his lust beginning to strain against his trousers. Remus’s hands made their way down to Sirius’s hips and they reached into the waistband of Sirius’s trousers to cup his arse as Remus reciprocated the roll of his hips. They could both feel the hardness pressed between them and the rapidly growing intensity of their desire.

Sirius pulled back just enough to whisper against Remus’s skin, “They’ll never take this away from us.” Remus stood up to lead Sirius into their bedroom and Sirius silently swore that he would never lose Remus, and he would never let Remus lose him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_VI. October 31, 1981_

 

Sirius glanced at the clock in sitting room. Almost midnight.

He sighed and stretched out his hand to drop the book he was pretending to read back on the table, the other hand reaching into the half-empty bowl of candy. Remus was supposed to have returned from his regular patrol nearly four hours ago. It had become a rather unfortunate pattern of Remus returning home later and later, each time with increasingly vague excuses. Sirius stood up and began to make his way to bed when he finally heard the familiar _crack_ of apparation outside his flat and Remus’s low murmur unlocking the security spells and wards. Sirius paused, wanting to catch Remus when he entered. The door swung open and Remus, looking the worse for wear, walked in with his sagging shoulders and tired eyes.

“Remus. You missed all the kids who came trick-or-treating.” Remus looked up and saw Sirius standing defensively with his arms crossed. He gave Sirius a weak smile. “Hey, Pads. Sorry I’m home late.”

“Your patrol was supposed to end four hours ago.”

Remus’s voice felt forced when he replied, “Yeah, sorry, got caught up with some stuff.” Sirius was unconvinced. He pressed further, “Again? With what?

“You know, Order stuff. The usual. Can’t really say.”

With this, Sirius snapped. “You’ve been getting an awful lot of secret assignments from the Order.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Remus shot back.

Sirius barked out a bitter laugh. “Oh, you know, _the_ _usual_. If you know what I mean.” Remus’s eyes hardened and he pushed past Sirius to collapse into the armchair.

“Can we not do this tonight, Pads? I’m really tired and I just want to get some rest tonight.” He closed his eyes and leaned his head back, exhausted, and Sirius stared across the sitting room at him.

The last few years held horrors for everyone, no matter what side you were on. As more members of the Order were murdered or went missing, tensions rose within the inner circle. And now the Potters, Sirius’s best friend and his godson and Lily, were forced to run into hiding because Voldemort was targeting them. There was a widespread rumor that there was a spy in the Order and Sirius believed it. He wanted to have trust in his best friends, but the war made everyone anxious and terrified. Sometimes people turned on each other. Nothing was predictable anymore.

Some people had immediately pointed to Sirius, with a last name from the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black that held no qualms about their strong pureblood supremacist politics. James had quickly jumped to his defense, and everyone trusted James so he was in the clear for now. But that didn’t change the fact that there was still a spy who wanted Sirius’s best friend and his family dead.

Sirius tried to pinpoint exactly when they had grown tired and weary and old. He noticed even more grey strands in Remus’s hair -- when did his hair grow more grey than the beautiful golden brown Sirius fell in love with? Where was the youthful boy, on the cusp of manhood, that he had kissed that first time in Hogsmeade? The boy who laughed when Sirius pulled him into a broom closet between classes? The boy who pretended to disapprove of their pranks but never took away house points?

When was this war going to end, so that they could go back to being young and carefree? The memories pulled on Sirius’s heartstrings, and he snapped before he let heart get ripped completely out of his chest. He couldn’t take this anymore. He needed to know. In three strides, he crossed the room and knelt in front of Remus. Remus, the man to whom he had promised his heart and undying love. Remus, the friend he thought he would trust until his last days.

Remus cracked open his heavily lidded eyes right as Sirius began to reach for the sleeve on his left arm. His eyes flew open and he snatched his arm away from Sirius, betrayal and anger written all over his face. Sirius tried to speak but felt like his throat was filled with sand.

“I can’t believe it,” Remus whispered. His voice rose. “You think that it’s _me_ ? That _I’m the spy_? You really think I would betray all of you like that?” Sirius choked out a sob as Remus continued. “You were my family -- the only family I still had! You were the only people in the world I knew I could trust!”

Remus didn’t give Sirius room to justify himself and he leapt up from the armchair to push Sirius out of the way. Sirius scrambled to his feet but Remus had already grabbed his wand and was at the door, his hand hesitating on the handle. “I can’t talk to you right now. I need some space.” And with that, the door swung open and Remus had left, all hesitation gone. Sirius was alone in the empty flat.

Sirius stood in the middle of the sitting room, feeling completely devoid of emotion. He hadn’t even tried to call out to Remus, to try to get him to stay. Not even a goodbye kiss.

 

If only he knew what was about to happen that night. Maybe if he did, he would have at least tried to kiss Remus one last time.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Wow it’s been almost a decade since I last wrote fanfiction, and this is my first return to creative fiction in at least seven years. I’m pushing myself to return to my love of writing so hopefully my favorite pairing will pull me back into writing more than just academic research papers (college sucks, rip me and my grades). I’m still not 100% satisfied with this fic to be honest, and I’m super rusty so I would love constructive criticism on anything -- characterization, dialogue, style, flow, story content, etc...everything helps! (Also lowkey realized while writing this fic that I don’t actually know how to format dialogue and wikihow wasn’t super comprehensive lololol)


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